Monday, 16 December 2013

15/12/2013 - not at home and venting

So until I figure something permanent out, I'm essentially homeless. Due to family issues, I left home a couple of nights ago. My partner's family have been kind enough to let me stay and since his sister is at university we have a larger room to stay in. This last few nights have made me realise how dependent I am on my partner, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Today while shopping, my partner had to lend me money for bus fare, and then bought me a hot chocolate when I didn't have enough to pay for it myself. I have an 'allowance' off my dad until I manage to find a job (if I ever get past the telephone interview stage) but it's really not a lot. It didn't matter how many times he said he was fine with lending me money (his student loan means he has more money than he really needs), I still felt guilty - and I feel like this feeling will stick around for a while, as my financial situation really doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. The problem is in my area there are a lot of job openings for full-time jobs, but I can't apply for those until I finish college. Another drawback is that I don't have a car.

This means that my trip to China is also on hold and looking very unlikely. Which sucks, as that was my goal for working through my anxiety. I'm still determined to go. Again, I need a job. However today with the remaining money that I do have, I bought my own plate and cutlery (I have an issue with using cutlery at other people's houses...). It's such a small thing, but it felt so nice to actually own something. If I move out and get my own place at some point, I can take those things with me. Oddly enough, that made me feel good.

I hadn't thought about it before, but this will be my first Christmas without my family. If I can't go away with my partner's family, he's offered to stay at home and have the day with just the two of us. He suggested we volunteer at a soup kitchen since we won't have much to do after the dinner, an idea that I love.

I hope I can start to sort my situation out soon, and I hope I become more independent as a result of this.

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